Just as the message from church yesterday morning spoke about how even when God opens doors, the rooms we walk into may have benches where He wants us to wait, for me today was a day of waiting on the Lord. I woke up with a plan in mind of all of the things I needed to get done today, but now as the day draws to a close I can tell you that I didn't accomplish much today, at least in terms of checking things off of the list of things that need to be taken care of. God has been working on this part of my life for sometime now. I spent years driven by the self-developed need, and obsession, to 'accomplish' things. I would plan everything out and then start checking everything off. The measure of how good my day was had a direct correlation to how many things I was able to accomplish. If at the end of the day I hadn't gotten much done I felt like I had failed. I know that this is certainly not the way God would have me live, and He has been chiseling away at this part of who I have been for some time now.
Today I waited. I spent time reading and studying the Bible. I spent time praying, and just trying to listen. I argued with God, questioning 'why' about some very important parts of my life, seeking His guidance and expressing to Him my anguish and need for help and knowledge on how to move forward. I spent time feeling overwhelmed to the point I could hardly breathe. I felt uncomfortable and wanted to run, to pack up and just go home. I wanted to just sit down and cry feeling lonely and unsure about anything I am doing here. Believe me when I tell you that I went through the full range of emotions today. Ministry is hard. Ministry far away from home is even harder. This is particularly true when 'home' is where your family is and you are far away from them. It often feels like I am living two different lives: one at home with my family and my job, and one here in Haiti. I pray that somewhere there will be some kind of blending of the two, particularly where my family is concerned. But I am trusting that God will work all things out for good. I don't have all of the answers to what is going to happen, who we will serve here and in what specific capacities. I don't know which skills we will be able to teach, which dates we will have teams come to the Center, etc. But God has all of these answers already. Answers to these questions involve a lot of other people who will make decisions to serve God in Haiti, both short-term and long-term. Today He wanted to remind me that I don't have to figure it all out. He's got this and He wants me to learn to trust Him more. Prayer is so very important and I know I need to make more time for prayer, for bringing my concerns and questions before Him and having a conversation with the One who holds all of the answers.
I did work on paperwork for the ministry some today, and I went down to the house and got one of the bathrooms set up the best I could. It is really looking good. I do believe tomorrow I will be able to get some more of the things we need, especially some initial furniture. Tomorrow is my last day here until October 19. Then I will have a team with me and we can dig into the work! I am so excited about that trip!!! After dinner tonight me, Katelyn and Rachel helped Sherrie stuff and prepare envelopes for a mailout to child sponsors. Then Rachel made brownies! I had been craving chocolate all day and getting a brownie was an amazing blessing! What a perfect way to end the day.
Goodnight from Haiti!
Patricia
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